laughter, the best medicine

Pinoy life cycle....
3 to 8 years old - Paramihan ng toys
9 to 18 years old - Pataasan ng grades.
19 to 25 - Padamihan ng siyota.
26 to 35 - Pagandahan ng asawa.
36 to 45 - Palakihan ng income.
46 to 55 - Padamihan ng kabit. 56 and after - Padamihan ng sakit.

Anak: Mommy, ang ganda ng bracelet mo. Bigay ba ni Daddy yan?
Mommy: Ay naku anak, kung sa Daddy mo lang ako aasa, baka pati ikaw wala sa mundong ito.


Matrona: Sa palagay mo Love, ilan taon na ako?
Lover: Kung titignan sa buhok 18. Kung nakatalikod 21. Kung titignan sa kutis 25. Bali 64 ang total.

Theme song of married couples....
1 to 10 years - Araw-araw gabi-gabi
11 to 25 years - Saan ka man naroon
26 to 49 years - Gaano kadalas ang Minsan
50 years and up - Maalaala mo kaya

Ano sa Tagalog ang asawa? ('May bahay')
Ano naman ang kabit? ('May condo')

Doc: 'Ano ang trabaho mo, iha?'
Girl: 'Substitute po.'
Doc: 'Di kaya prostitute ?'
Girl: 'Doc, kaibigan ko ang prostitute. Kung hindi siya puwede, ako ang pumapalit!'

In an obstetricians clinic:
Doc: 'Hubad na, iha. Huwag kang mag-alala... -. I won't take
advantage of you!'
Girl: 'Saan ko po ilalagay ang panty at bra ko?'
Doc: 'Diyan lang sa may tabi ng brief ko.'
Sa seminario:
Madre: 'Father, pagsabihan mo naman yung mga seminarista. Umiihi sila sa pader!'
Father: 'Sister naman. Maliit na bagay, huwag mo nang pansinin!'
Madre: 'Naku, Father, malalaki po, Malaki!'

BARTENDER: Sir, napansin ko bawat inom ninyo tum itingin kayo sa bulsa ninyo.
MAN: Ahh, ito? Picture ng Misis ko ito.... pag maganda na siya sa
tingin ko, uuwi na ako.

Guy : Doc, hina ng tenga ko. Di ko marinig kahit utot ko.
DR. : Heto inumin mo ng isang linggo.
GUY : Lalakas na ang pandinig ko?
DR. : Hindi lalakas na ang utot mo!
Jinggoy III?
Erap :(natawa) trick question ba yan anak? Eh, di pang-lima, kaya na PIP ang tawag sa kanya, di ba?


Genie: Dahil pinalaya mo ako, may 3 wishes ka!
Man:
UNA Gawin mo akong rich, pero di bayad ng tax;
PAGALAWA powerful, pero di halata;
PANGATLO notorious, pero wala sabit.
Genie: Okay, mula ngayon ikaw na si PING LACSON.


Sgt: Boss, nakatakas si Al-Ghozi.
Ebdane: Huh! Did you seal all exits?
Sgt: Yes, sir
Ebdane: Eh paano siya nakatakas?
Sgt: Doon po kasi siya lumabas sa entrance.


A COW story:
America has COWboy and COWgirl.
England has madCOW.
China has MaCOW.
Russia has MosCOW
Philippines has politicians magnanaCOW.

Doc: Congrats! Tell your husband you're pregnant.
Lady: I'm single.
Doc: Tell your lover.
Lady: There's no lover.
Doc: OK, then. Tell your parents to start praying....you will become the next Virgin Mary.


A lady visits her doctor again.
Doc: You looked more sick & exhausted than before. Are you having three meals a day as I advised?
Lady: What? I thought you said three MALES a day!


Jinggoy: Dad totoo bang may side effect ang Viagra?
Erap: Tanga, sa harap ang effect niyan hindi sa side.


Erap: 'Doc, I accidentally swallowed a chicken bone!'
Doc: 'Is it choking?'
Erap: 'No, it is Max's.'
Doc: 'I don't mean 'Chow King', I mean, are you choking....'
Erap: 'No, Doc! Serioso ako, Doc!'

Sex is like mathematics:
Add the bed, minus the lights, subtract the clothes, bring down the
panty, divide the legs, be ready to multiply....

At their honeymoon:
60-yr old Pastor to his young bride: 'Honey, before we do it, let's
first pray for guidance.' Young bride: 'Darling, just pray for endurance,
I'll take care of the guidance!'

OLD MAID'S PRAYER
Dear Lord. hindi ako hihiling para sa sarili ko, kundi para po sa aking mga magulang. Please lang po bigyan na
ninyo sila ng manugang! Amen.

Mga actual quotes na narinig ko around our vicinity part 1

Minsan ang drama hindi lang napapanuod sa TV kundi nakikita rin sa tunay na buhay. Madalas ang magagandang drama sa tunay na buhay napapanuod at nakikita. Etong mga sumusunod ay mga dialogues na nasambit ng mga taong ang vicinity eh di masyadong nalalayo sa aming bahay. hehehe kaya gud luck!!! kung gusto nyo magdagdag pakisend na lang sa email add ko panganiban6@yahoo.com o kaya mag comment na lang kayo ok...

1. Tatay: "P****G I*A ka walang kang kwentang anak. Lumayas ka dito!!!!! ayaw kong makita ang pagmumukha mo"
Anak na lalake: Kung ayaw nyo sa akin dahil walang kwenta ako, " tandaan nyo wala akong kwenta dahil mas wala kang kwentang ama para sa amin."

2. Anak na babae(umiiyak): Tama na Pa walang namang kasalanan si (tago natin sa pangalan na bunso) eh!!!
Tatay: Ah basta!!! gago tong batang to eh sya huli kong nakitang may hawak nung paso, kaya sya talaga nakabasag nun( tuloy sa pagpalo)
Bunso:Aray!!! Hawak ko lang yun para ayusin tapos iniwan ko na ayus yun!!! Tatay: Aba sumasagot ka pa ah!!! (sabay palo gamit ang stick na yantok)
Bunso: Anu bang ginawa ko!!?? para magawa nyo sa akin to!!! "ginawa nyo ba ako para lang may nagugulpi, at napapagbintangan kayo?"

3. Anak na babae: Ma!!! wag kang umalis, dimo na ba mahal si papa??!!
Nanay: "Kung hindi ko minahal ang papa nyo sana noon pa lang iniwan ko na kayo."

4. Anak: Bakit ba ganun lagi na lang dapat siya ang nasusunod kahit, mali siya pa rin ba dapat ang masunod " matagal na akong nagtitimpi kung di ko lang siya mahal matagal ko ng nakuwestiyon at nasaktan yan."

5. Tatay: " Dugo't pawis ang binuwis ko para lang lumaki kayong maganda ang buhay,at para mapag aral ko kayo sa magandang eskuwelahan, tapos yan pa ang isusukli mo sa mga paghihirap na ginawa ko!"

Eto lang muna!!! may part 2 pa to so intay na lang kayo kung makakapagdag dag kayo dag dagan nyo ok, mail me or leave a comment in my posts...

From ulop.net - Bill Gates and General Motors

GM replies to Bill Gates

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "if GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued the following press release -

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics -

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought "car NT", but then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.

10. The airbag system would ask "are you sure?" before deploying.

11. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

12. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the cars performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Dept.

13. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

14. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

WOW!!!

Grabe kakauwi ko lang galing lingayen, pangasinan, and sobrang tagal lang ng byahe namin kasi ang lakas ng ulan, yung tipong lahat ng sasaksyan sa NLEX eh naka hazard habang linalakbay nila ang kahabaan ng NLEX, buti na lang nag drive ako nung papunta sa lingayen at yung lolo ko na sa pauwi. Pero astig yung pag da drive ko katabi ko yung nerbyoso kong lolo at tipong kailangan mala spiderman ang senses mo para hindi siya nenerbiyosin sa pag dadrive mo. Haha wala lang natuwa lang ako kasi nakarating kami ng safe inspite of the bad weather... So thank God talaga for giving us a safe trip...

How Great Is Our God!!!

Ang galing lang talaga ni God sobrang ginawa nya lang succesful yung youth camp namin. Ang galing kasi lahat ng participants nakita ko umalis ng nakangiti. At ako umalis rin ng nakangiti pero pagdating ko sa bahay derecho ako sa kwarto ko tapos sabay tulog,dahil na rin sa sobrang pagod..... hayyyy anyways. God is Really Great

WHEN I SAY 'I'M BROKE'....I'M BROKE !!

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.

'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'

I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a very good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of broke do you not understand?'

Children

7 reasons not to mess with children.

1. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

2. A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was..
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'

3. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'honor' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'

4. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'

5. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'

6. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted,
'Cause your feet ain't empty.'

7. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'

POOPERS

Instructions on How to Poop at Work

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back
in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much
as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable.
For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for
taking a dump at work.

*CROP DUSTING* When farting, you walk really fast around the office so
the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but
doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not
stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to
make sure the smell has left your pants.

*FLY BY* The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and
check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave
and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People
may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the
bathroom.

*ESCAPEE* A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in
a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment.
If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not
happen. If you are a man and are standing next to the farter in the
urinal, pretend you did not hear it.. No one likes an escapee. It is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
parties feel uneasy.

*JAILBREAK* When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine
gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If
this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone
has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just
occurred.

*COURTESY FLUSH* The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop
hits the water! This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to
stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the
WALK OF SHAME.

*WALK OF SHAME* Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after
you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable
moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to
pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of
the COURTESY FLUSH.

*OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER* A colleague who poops at work and is Doggone
proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the
bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look
around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the
bathroom.

*THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)* A group of co-workers who band
together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This
group can help you to monitor the where abouts of Out Of The Closet
Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

*SAFE HAVENS* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where
you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex
entering the bathroom.

*TURD BURGLAR* Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall
and tries to force the door open.. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this
occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you
will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

*CAMO-COUGH* A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a
WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when
used in conjunction with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.

*SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential
Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all
doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear a SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave
the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

*WATERMELON* A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

*HAVANA-OMELET* A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try
using a CAMO-COUGH with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.

*AUNT BETTY* A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever...Could
spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the
pot. An AUNT BETTY makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as
you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This
benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees!

SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF~

The King Poop = This kind is the kind of poop that killed! Elvis. It
doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from
straining so hard.

Bali Belly Poop = You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.

Cement Block = You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.

Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop) = Even after the third flush,
it's still floating in there. How do I get rid of it? This poop usually
happens at someone else's house.

The Bungee Poop = The kind of poop that just hangs off your rear before
it falls into the water.


The Crippler = The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so
long your legs go numb from the waist down.

The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang = The kind of poop that hits you when
you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

The Party Pooper = The giant poop you take at a party. And when you
flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise..

NOW EVERYONE TRY TO GO POOP IN PEACE

QUIT LAUGHING.... POOPING IS A NATURAL PROCESS!

Jokes: This one from ulop.net

In light of a recent YouTube Citibank scandal, this is pretty timely...

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die.

This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charg e. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.

Here is the exchange :

Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'

Citibank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections. '

Citibank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

Citibank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
Citibank: 'Excuse me?'

Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'

Citibank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor'

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'

Citibank: 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

Citibank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)

Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number was given )


After they get the fax :

Citibank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'

Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'

Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.
(What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'

Citibank: 'That might help...'

Family Member: ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'

Citibank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member: 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???'

1. You can ONLY answer Yes or No! 2. You are NOT ALLOWED to explain ANYTHING unless someone messages or comments you and asks!

Asked someone to marry you? - No.



Kissed anyone one of your Facebook friends? - Yes.


Been arrested? - No.



Slept in until 5pm? - Yes.



Fallen asleep at work/school? - Yes.



Held a snake? - Yes.



Ran a red light? - Yes.



Been suspended from school? - No.



Written off your car/motorbike in an accident? - Yes.



Been fired from a job? - No.



Sang karaoke? - Yes.



Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? - Yes.



Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? - Yes.


Caught a snowflake on your tongue? - No.



Kissed in the rain? - No.



Kissed someone you shouldn't? - No.



Sang in the shower? - Yes.



Sat on a rooftop? - Yes.



Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes? - Yes.



Broken a bone? - Yes.



Shaved your head? - No.



Got a tattoo? - No, A Bro must never get one.



Blacked out from drinking? - Yes.



Played a prank on someone? - Yes.



Felt like killing someone? - Yes.



Made your girlfriend/boyfriend cry? - No.



Had Mexican jumping beans for pets? - No.



Been in a band? - Yes.Kosang Baklogs



Tripped on mushrooms? - No.



Donated Blood? - No.



Eaten alligator meat? - No.



Eaten cheesecake? - Yes.



Still love someone you shouldn't? - Yes.



Think about the future? - Yes.



Believe in love? - Yes.

Gary Granada VS. Kapuso

eto yung link pakibasa na lang at pakipakinggan

http://soundcloud.com/dosomethingworthwhile/gary-granada-vs-gma-kapuso?page=6

Swine FLu

when I first heard about swine flu I was scared as hell because i thought this would be another pandemic like s.a.r.s, ebola virus, and bird flu. But after I did some research i found that since 1976 there are already vaccines for swine flu, however being careful is always an option to get protected from this new virus.